last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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