literally had 100 drinks last night.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
