the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
