why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
