my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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