so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
