I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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