we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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