I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need a beard to bite.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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