I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
