wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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