I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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