new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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