seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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