how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
