Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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