go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
