And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
