I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
