oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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