you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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