oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
