Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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