Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
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I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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