Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
