just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
