I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
