im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Randomize
