I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
