All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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