Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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