I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
