I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
