five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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