if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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