I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
