sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
