I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
