I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did i walk over a car last night?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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