We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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