...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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