a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
