im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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