my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
