remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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