So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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