4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You have to summon your inner elephant
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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