I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
