Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
