Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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