i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Four minutes until I can fart!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
