It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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