these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
