I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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