You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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