jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
