I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my shit smells like andre
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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