i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
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He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
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I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her