Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Of course I have a pirate flag
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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