burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
